Hi! Such a little word that can mean so much. Tonight sitting on the bench with a spiral college lined notebook, a roll of stamps, some white letter envelopes and a pen.... Flipping through this address book the names bring a memory or thoughtful wishes come flooding my mind. Simply write a heartfelt message and address envelope to be mailed from the post office mail carrier...I almost hold my breath with anticipation of delivery. And will a letter be mailed back? Will the excitement to check the mailbox everyday seem silly or hopeful? Seems like ... well I'll just have to wait and see. It is so nice to have something to look forward to again. The little things in hand written letters are magical. Just a little Day-Brighten-Upper let alone not a bill in the mailbox. When I was asked what I'd like for Christmas, this year, I said a new address book. Many entries have been marked through to enter a new address several times. (Yes, I wrote them in ink.) I was lucky enough to receive that new address book and I have started to fill in the names, addresses, telephone numbers and even some notes! I am so excited! Oh yeah, I am using a pencil. Big grin. Tonight I wrote for hours. Many letters and not too many entries in my new address book. But the ones I did get entered also will be receiving an envelope addressed to them. Once I started filling them in I just had to send a note too. There is a joy in my heart and a peaceful smile on my face that I do not always get from a text or an email. Putting pen to paper is therapeutic! I am looking forward to dropping off these envelopes at the post office and picking up another roll of stamps! Hi! .....
When my mind begins to wonder, if I’m talking to myself for no reason… or if… well, it is that my mind is clearly communicating with my gut. When the self talk starts up and it is not so pleasant, I have to remember where it’s coming from. Wasted rent space in my head will cloud my way to hear what is really going on. If negative thoughts creep in and want to manifest – it’s a choice to allow them. The actual fact that I didn’t realize I advertised to my gut there was rental space available… Then it’s time! Time to take inventory – self inventory.
This is one of the hardest tasks I do. Memories can be daunting and dissecting to the root draws a clear picture. One that can be seen in any light. Many times I want to flip the light switch off and close my eyes and sit with it in the dark. Even thinking when the light comes back on that the picture will magically change. Not true! Not the case!
If there is a problem, until it is brought to light it remains. These are self problems, not others blaming or shaming. It’s all me, self blaming – self loathing for growing pains of a lifetime of experiences. WHAT? Yep, and I believe it’s human nature to remember, relive inside, the good and not so good memories. For me, when the not so good want to hang around, I have to accept that it is time to wipe away the cobwebs – sweep away the debris. Look closely at the picture and see the true colors. Not where the past is, but where overcoming has delivered. The colors become so vivid. Seeing them for what they are.
The foundation has been built and is the perfect place to rebuild all things. Most importantly within. Because no matter what’s inside, it seeps out.
By the grace of God go I…
I’m grateful to make my bed when I awake. I am grateful to be able to do laundry when the hamper is full. Shoot, I’m grateful for the hamper to hold my dirty laundry. The smallest of things appreciated become quite the list of gratitude. I drown out the negativity. My mind and body find a balance. My mind finds peace. The unwelcome negative mind space renter is evicted. My gut health improves because the time and care I begin to invest in myself again.
There are a lot of letter I’s in this. As I look up, into the mirror I say… You have come a long way. You matter to me. Thank you for being you and all you do.. You are appreciated. Oh, and please don’t let so much time come between now and your next gratitude list. Date this and put it away. But share what you are doing somehow, with someone. You never know when something that seems so small to you, could be HUGE to someone else. Really all in all… lifting up, supporting, and encouraging others… well, isn’t that the kind of world we strive to live in? If only we remember to encourage ourselves too.
To thine own self be true!You are Going to know. Integrity
It’s the first drink that will get me drunk, not the 10th. I choose to not take the first drink. No matter who is around, or who around is drinking. I stand firm in my sobriety. To thine own self be true. My first 24 hour chip will always mean the most to me. I remember and still have each one given to me at my AA meeting’s home group. 30 days/1 month, 60 days/2months, 90 days/3 months, 4 months, 5 months, 6 months, 7 months, 8 months, 9 months, 10 months, 11 months, 1 year, 18 months, 2 years, 3 years, 4 years, 5 years, 6 years, 7 years, 8 years, 9 years 10 years…. it’s been 10 years since my first 24 hours coin. No one will know, Bologna! – I will know. And that matters.
Making the bed this morning, I stubbed my toe while pulling the blanket over the pillows. And while doing laundry one of my white socks was gray, as it fell from some blue jeans in a dark load. I made spaghetti and used fresh sliced French roll with garlic butter and parmesean cheese for my garlic bread and only heated in oven for 5 minutes – croutons was what it reminded me of – I still ate them though. I messaged with some family & friends between day off daily doings… cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, food prep for work lunches, more dishes. Even if a lot of things could have gone wrong; hearing that the spaghetti was really good….well I’ll take that. I’ll remember that today. I’ll remember the smile that crept up on my face while I read my messages. And I will remember how I felt when I heard this…
Until the day is over, you’ll remember it for something else.
If I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve or getting my big girl panties in a bunch, I have a choice. It’s a choice. I’m practicing to chose to reflect on the good. I know when I went to hang the clean towels in the bathroom, the toilet was clean. The sink counter wasn’t sticky. (That will last until I fix my hair and walk out the door again.) When I took the folded laundry into the bedroom, my bed was made up pretty. And just now as I went to turn off the kitchen light, the dishes were done and stovetop clean and counter tops too. So my toe is a little sore, so I have a white and gray sock, so my garlic bread was crunchy. Until the day is over, you’ll remember it for something else.
Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose 2012 and 2013
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
This is the scariest journey I have started. It is also proving to be my best journey yet.
I marked each day off my first two years sober. And I can tell which days were the hardest not to pick up a drink just by my marks. Good reminder.
Sobriety is truly only one day at a time!
So I’m thinking about this girl. She said that she felt so lost … the kind of lost where she had no one to turn to that would understand what she was going through. She even said that one time she went to a new church with a girlfriend, there was an opportunity to go down to the front of the church and have people pray over her.. She literally said to her girlfriend and to her pastor that she wanted to go – but she couldn’t move, that she felt like her feet were glued to the floor. The pastor said that was the saddest thing he’d ever heard and she said her girlfriend then just reached out to her and held her hand. It’s that kind of loss and that kind of fear and that kind of guilt that can eat you alive. That very day opened up a conversation and became the foundation to a friendship that’s lasted decades. Coming to find out these two have a lot more in common than they’d ever thought about. Over the years as life happens, distance happens and communication slows .. there are children born, there’s marriages, there’s divorces, live on life’s terms as life happens – life happens. But to pick up the phone and talk and hear each others voices and infliction with one another or to see each other and sit down and talk … it’s like nothing outside has happened it’s only what’s right there that seems so true and so comforting in that honesty of friendship.
Sometimes thoughts seem so clear, so precise. Planning to write or call or even send a text. Then a day passes.
The self talk that begins on its own until its hushed. Has it gone unnoticed that self talk can mirror kids bullying?
Repeat after me. You is smart (I’m smart) You is kind (I’m kind) You is important (I’m important) No bully zone! Especially within self talk.
Even though I am typing away with the thoughts off the top of my head, I still fight shaking my head thinking why am I even trying a blog?
A movie jerked my chain … a movie? I had enough time to watch a movie but couldn’t write in here? (I did not view the movie in one setting, it was on breaks during 12 hour shifts.) Speaking of, I have started this 5 times now. Each time a distraction would arise, I just hit return and come back to it.
One day I’ll actually just structure paragraphs. The fact that connecting with another human being – even if just for a moment – can be life changing; intrigues me wonderfully…… and not something to take for granted.